another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
