don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
