The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Randomize
