I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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