Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
