I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
