You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
