i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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