I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
