you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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