You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I forget how to act sober
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
