My room smells like vodka and shame
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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