Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
