why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
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then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
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Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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