I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
