She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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