I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Randomize
