Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
