you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
