my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize