omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Randomize
