Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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