my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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