I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
