Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
