i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
