Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
