I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
