Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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