Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
