the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
