I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
