My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize