When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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