Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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