I love having hate sex.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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