well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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