college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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