wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
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She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
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She made me pour olive oil on her.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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