Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
