fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
smell my finger.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
All I want is dick and wine.
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