I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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