I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
