a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
