It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
