When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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