Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
ttyl tear gas
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
