my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
There r osticjed everywhere
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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