My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
