You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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