She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
i out mim tonsoeep
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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