toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
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