that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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