Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
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There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
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You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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