Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I can text with my tongue
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize
